Brick by Brick
Hi there friends. This past year has been, in a word, shitty. But there are many more words that can be used to describe it and I am going to attempt to do my best to share. Then I will try to hop back in the saddle and get back to writing more.
You see, it isn't that I haven't been writing. It is that my need to write turned more personal than public. It came at a time when I questioned my very purpose for writing this blog. Originally Alice, Ever After was to be a stepping stone on my path to working in the children's book industry. I had many visions of what that might look like. And then I got a little crack in my heart.
A few short weeks after my last post my dear, sweet grandmother passed away. I've definitely blogged about our adventures. Mamie, as she was known to many, was a brilliant light and force in our family. At 94, after a year of fighting the good fight - which included trying to escape an old folks home more than once, we said goodbye to our fearless leader. My family came together, as they always do, and mourned her passing. It was hard for me to think of what to say to honor this woman. I didn't know if a public (and not very well-read) blog was even the right venue. So I took a break and turned my energy toward writing her stories, and my story. I spent the first few months of winter trying to capture this loss as a way of healing.
March rolled around and I saw an exciting possibility. "Gram is guiding me," I thought as I spoke with a local children's publishing company about a summer internship program. I felt like things were going to be better. My amazing boyfriend was supportive, my dreams were starting to take shape, I was in great health. It is amazing how you think you've already hit bottom so it must be only going up from there. And then you found out the bottom is still far below.
In what I thought was the most challenging week of my life, I found a lump in my breast, a family member had a breakdown that required serious care, and my grandfather had a heart attack. But I took care of the lump, the family member was getting help, gramps made it out ok. My support system was working.
And then, my friends, my world collapsed. On April 11, my sweet 11 year-old nephew Nate was out riding his bike after school with a friend. A truck driving along the road did not see him as he turned the corner and Nate was taken away from us forever. My soul was erased.
The last two months have been a blur. We raised $13,000 to build a memorial for Nate. We buried him on the farm I grew up on. I've read many articles about grief and support and healing. I've been guided by the far-too-large community of people who have lost children. Every person has his or her own way of surviving such a devastating loss. I feel like a wall has been built around me and at times it suffocates me. Grieving has been hours of sobbing, loads of denial, avoiding having conversations with people (I just can't answer the question "How are you?" anymore), and taking one day at a time - sometimes one minute at a time.
Coming back to blogging seemed like a purposeless distraction. I wasn't done loving Nate. I wasn't done getting books and ice cream, or wrestling on Christmas day, or telling each other silly middle school jokes on the phone. I wasn't done making new stories with him. This world I live in now is so different, so alien. How do I even start to take down the bricks?
I've held my breath for the past two months. I thought as soon as school got out I could go back to being me. I could relax and breath. Not so much.
Healing is a process my friends. I'm not there yet. But we got a cat and I've been snuggling with her. So far that feels good. And so, I guess, I am going to try to write.
If any of you are looking for grief support I found this article and this article the most helpful so far.
You see, it isn't that I haven't been writing. It is that my need to write turned more personal than public. It came at a time when I questioned my very purpose for writing this blog. Originally Alice, Ever After was to be a stepping stone on my path to working in the children's book industry. I had many visions of what that might look like. And then I got a little crack in my heart.
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| Me and Gram, April 2015 |
A few short weeks after my last post my dear, sweet grandmother passed away. I've definitely blogged about our adventures. Mamie, as she was known to many, was a brilliant light and force in our family. At 94, after a year of fighting the good fight - which included trying to escape an old folks home more than once, we said goodbye to our fearless leader. My family came together, as they always do, and mourned her passing. It was hard for me to think of what to say to honor this woman. I didn't know if a public (and not very well-read) blog was even the right venue. So I took a break and turned my energy toward writing her stories, and my story. I spent the first few months of winter trying to capture this loss as a way of healing.
March rolled around and I saw an exciting possibility. "Gram is guiding me," I thought as I spoke with a local children's publishing company about a summer internship program. I felt like things were going to be better. My amazing boyfriend was supportive, my dreams were starting to take shape, I was in great health. It is amazing how you think you've already hit bottom so it must be only going up from there. And then you found out the bottom is still far below.
In what I thought was the most challenging week of my life, I found a lump in my breast, a family member had a breakdown that required serious care, and my grandfather had a heart attack. But I took care of the lump, the family member was getting help, gramps made it out ok. My support system was working.
And then, my friends, my world collapsed. On April 11, my sweet 11 year-old nephew Nate was out riding his bike after school with a friend. A truck driving along the road did not see him as he turned the corner and Nate was taken away from us forever. My soul was erased.
The last two months have been a blur. We raised $13,000 to build a memorial for Nate. We buried him on the farm I grew up on. I've read many articles about grief and support and healing. I've been guided by the far-too-large community of people who have lost children. Every person has his or her own way of surviving such a devastating loss. I feel like a wall has been built around me and at times it suffocates me. Grieving has been hours of sobbing, loads of denial, avoiding having conversations with people (I just can't answer the question "How are you?" anymore), and taking one day at a time - sometimes one minute at a time.
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| Back home for Nate's birthday last October |
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| Nate was joyful. Books and ice cream last summer |
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| My Amazing Family of Superheroes. They completed a Superhero walk in Buffalo in honor of Nate. My dad dressed up as Greg from Diary of a Wimpy Kid - one of Nate's favorite books. |
Coming back to blogging seemed like a purposeless distraction. I wasn't done loving Nate. I wasn't done getting books and ice cream, or wrestling on Christmas day, or telling each other silly middle school jokes on the phone. I wasn't done making new stories with him. This world I live in now is so different, so alien. How do I even start to take down the bricks?
I've held my breath for the past two months. I thought as soon as school got out I could go back to being me. I could relax and breath. Not so much.
Healing is a process my friends. I'm not there yet. But we got a cat and I've been snuggling with her. So far that feels good. And so, I guess, I am going to try to write.
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| Tallulah Rose Punky Brewster. And me. |
Thank you for sharing those articles. Glad you're writing again.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
DeleteI believe by writing this you are on the right track. Unfortunately, healing takes time and is different for everyone. I am so hoping that you (and all of us) will find some peace soon. It has been a horrible year for many. Restless, aching hearts take a toll... Hang in there, Megan. You will feel peaceful again.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jackie <3
DeleteMeg,
ReplyDeleteI think you said it best, we weren't done loving Nathaniel but I believe God knows what is best for Nathaniel and he definitely left a legacy behind, one of laughter, love, and courage. He was a great little boy and we can live in his memories where the happiness is, we don't need to re-live his accident. We love him and miss him. We all need to do what is best for us to get through all of this even if it is one minute at a time, 1 step at a time. For me, I know the focus is, 1 thing at a time. Some days are full of awesome joy and others sadness, but we just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until it is our time to be reunited with Nathaniel. His competitive nature won him the ultimate prize, a place in heaven before all of us. He won!